fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
