One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
