you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
