I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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