So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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