and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
