It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
