I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she peed on how many people?
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Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
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He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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