six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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