Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
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I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
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Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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