They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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