I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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