Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
