Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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