Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
did you just send me my own nude
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
