I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
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It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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