Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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