I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
