I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
