Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
