I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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