I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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