Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
