I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize