You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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