my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
