i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
