I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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