i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
