Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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