any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
All the doctor said was why
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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