Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
