Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
