First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
