On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I have aggressive nipples.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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