I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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