When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
sex in a hospital.. check
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
All the doctor said was why
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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