i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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