fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm always down for nudity.
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