When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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