Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
