hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
