I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
