all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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