You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
