you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
