Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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