just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
