theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
