i jhust puked up my retainher.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
