So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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