Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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