A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
