she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Sorry my hands just texted you
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I need water and some morals
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