he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
