My friends, they love my intelligence
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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